NEW SITE

So I have decided to move my blog to a new site in order to encourage more feedback and open discussion.  I've gotten a lot of positive feedback and I hope that you will make the journey with me. The new site is http://browngirlthoughts.wordpress.com! You can also follow the blog's official twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/browngirlblog

Do Black Men Hate Us?

Most people would read that title and think "Of course not" but with all of the recent attack on black women in the media by OUR men you have to stop and think about it.  I asked myself this question when I saw the FINE Isaiah Mustafah throw us under the bus .  In a recent interview Isaiah was doing a routine interview on E! about his current projects.  As the interview progress of course the topic of his love life came up and he was asked what kind of woman he desired and his most pertinent answer was that she have good hair.  Really? Are you serious??? Are we really here still in 2011?  Never mind that you find a person to love you, cherish you, accept your faults as well as put your needs before their own.  Once again our character and our hearts will never be as important as the curl pattern  of the strands on our heads.  What's really sad is that he isn't the only black male celebrity to publicly lash out at us.  Dhani Jones, Reggie Bush,Lil' Wayne and Ochocinco have been known to only care for light complexions and "Good Hair".  It seems the more some successful black men become the more they separate themselves from us.  We have to deal with discrimination in our every day lives as black women but now the same judgement seems to have slipped into our homes.  It's a sad day when we can't even seek comfort in our own men.  The same men that were raised, taught, loved, and protected by black women , now want them nowhere in our lives.  As Lauryn Hill would say " It seems we lose the game, before we even start to play."

When with this modern slave mentality end?  How long will we have to deal with this burden of self hate?  What will these men tell their daughters, who by the way look nothing like the women that they seek.  What kind of message are you sending to them.  It seems that black women are good enough to bear their children but not good enough to take their place beside you.

I'm not speaking for all black men.  I know that our kings are still among us.  But for some reason the few that totally reject us still get to me. I pose this question: Where did all of this anger coming from?  People we must stop comparing each other on a scale that we don't even fit in.  The sooner we can stop being so hard on ourselves, the sooner we can start healing.  We can stop passing this nonsense to our children.  We so desperately want to be accepted by other races but we cant even accept ourselves.

The Five Types Of Men You Have No Business Entertaining

Being single can be cruel. One moment you are on the best date of your life, quietly daydreaming of his and hers monogrammed hand towels in your summer home. Then somewhere in between your third glass of wine and the dessert course you want to walk into oncoming traffic. Its shattering when you meet a guy and he falls short of your expectations, but let's face it some guys don't even deserve a second glance. He are the five biggest time wasters for single brown girls:

1. The Open Cheater
The open cheater is a master manipulator. This subject however is not shy about his no committal ways, he will openly text, tweet and pull other females regardless of your reaction. He will have you believing that you are special and as you get sucked in you find yourself competing with the other women for his attention. If you ever decide to confront him on his ways the master card that he will always pull is that you all are not in a relationship therefore your feelings aren't justifiable. Save yourself the heartache honey.

2. The Deadbeat Dad
Now when I'm referring to this reference I'm not bashing males that have children. With the way our court systems work its very easy for a man to be labeled a dead beat father . What I am referring to is the man who has multiple children and refuses to acknowledges them or take part in their lives. If a man cannot acknowledge his own flesh and blood , what makes you think that he will acknowledge you?

3. The Taken Man
The allure of a taken man is intoxicating. For one it eliminates the idea that this guy isn't non committal and that he has enough going on for him that someone has vouched that he is a worth dating i.e. his girlfriend. Becoming romantically involved with a taken starts innocently enough. You are forced to begin a friendship with this person in the beginning because he is already in a relationship. Over time your feelings become romantic because you have connected on an emotional level first. You find yourself listening to his relationship problems and immediately plotting your plan to replace the the woman that has his heart. This type of union is dangerous because it is completely one sided and even if he breaks up with her the relationship between you and him is built on a shady foundation. Not to mention that awkward moment 6 months down the line when he meets another woman that he becomes "friends" with.

4. The Doormat
You would think that a woman would love a man that did anything she says. Th
is type of man will basically go with anything that you put on the table. He believes that giving you everything you wan would prevent you from seeking anything outside of the relationship. If its one thing that Ive learned is that relationships are all about give and take. You want someone that challenges you and even take the lead sometimes. By having you wear the pants and lead every single decision in the relationship allows the relationship to become stagnant. You will begin to resent him and lose respect. Once respect is lost in a relationship its only so long before it crashes and burns.

5. The Friend With Benefits
In this modern day most people cut the official titles completely out of the equation and get right down to the sex. Many brown girls are finding themselves in a long term friends with benefits situation. Sometimes these bonds can be equally rewarding when both parties are aware of the terms and don't try to make it out to be something its not. But like most FWB situations one individual eventually begins to try to take it to the next level to a committed relationship. Most of these situations result in you losing both your lover and friend. Going into a FWB situation in hopes of turning it into a lasting relationship will only leave you empty in the end


What I hope you take from this post , if nothing else, is to know your worth. One of the benefits of being single is that you really get to decide what you can and cannot deal with. Everybody isn't worth your time so ration it out wisely.

How To Deal With The Office Bitch

Young brown girls across the nation are closing the chapter of their higher education and entering the working world. Unfortunately it becomes apparent very quickly that the bonds of sisterhood and common decency don't truly exist in the workplace. In corporate America it seems that women almost have to adopt a survivalist mentality. That means putting oneself first and only entertaining situations that would propel them forward. It's inevitable that you will come across at least one of these characters during your career, here's how to deal:


When Its Your Boss:
This is the most common as well as the most uncomfortable of situations to be in. One one hand to be successful in the corporate world you have to be a model employee. Being labeled as one that complains or that cant adapt to a typical work environment can hurt your chances of climbing the ladder of success in you company. On the other hand reacting out of emotion can end your employment all together, as well as a future reference. If your boss truly gets to you remember to take a step back to view the entire situation. Analyze your role in the repetitive conflict. Are you thinking with a clear head? Are you close to saying something that could be career ending? Are my boss's actions regarding my work or it it a personal attack? If you conclude that you are not an equal part in these spats then you need to buckle down and do some homework. The most effective habit to have is to document everything. Save all emails in which you feel are evidence of a personal attack. Keep names and dates of instances which you have had excessive conflict this will be your ace in the hole should you plan on reporting this to HR. But before you go on a crusade to destroy your boss you would be surprised at how much face to face talking goes. Go to your bosses office, close the door and really talk to her. Keep cool, calm and collected. You don' to go in there an emotional mess and dig in to what the real problem is.What ever you do don't take it lying down, you have more of a voice than you think.

When It's Your Coworkers

You'd be surprised at how much the modern working world resembles a typical high school. You have your popular kids that seem to run the social structure of the office, the teachers pets who have their lips permanently locked on to the boss's ass, and the jocks the group of the terribly fine men who have their pick of the women in their typing pool. Gossip spreads around the office quicker than a forest fire. Employees are basically forced to compete in this social Olympics or risk being cast out of the circle completely. Feeling the cold shoulder of the office staff is the worst but its not life threatening to your career. If you find yourself feeling out casted don't panic. Focus on your work and don't sweat it so much. If you were in the wrong apologize and move on, that's all you can do. If you dwell on the issue it makes you look worse. No one wants to be labeled the needy drama queen at work. Stay focused on what matters: the work. No one at work pays your bills, so don't let them run you out of the place that does pay yours.

When It's You:
It can be a real slap in the face when you realize that you have become the biggest bitch in the office. People already have an assumption of you regardless if you've ever come into contact or not. It not only makes you look bad in a social sense but your can be labeled as not working well with others, being difficult, or simply unable to take direction. This may leave you stuck in the same position and unable to reach your full potential because your company doesn't think you can handle it. What needs to happen first is that you need to do some damage control. Why are you so angry? Are you aware of your bad behavior? Are you truly unhappy at your job? If you are maybe this realization will reveal that this job is starting to effect you personally and how you connect with people. No job or amount of money is worth your sanity. Remember that. Turn the mirror on yourself and find out what is going on with you. Then you must own up to your faults. Try and repair those relationships that were lost. Keep in mind that we spend more time at work than we do with our loved ones so if you blow it off its not something that will go away quickly.


Bottom line you wont be able to dodge this situation. Going in unarmed can have you walking out of work before noon. Remember to stay true to yourself and your head above water. Work politics go a long way and can easily be your foot in the door or the noose around your neck.

Best Friends Forever

Some of the closest relationships that we develop over our lives. They are our sounding board, our comfort. They allow us to let our guard down and really let someone into our hearts. Many of us share more in our friendships than we do in our romantic relationships. Our friends see us, as a whole. They see the smiles, the laughter, and those shattered moments that only they can understand. We trust them with our secrets and we guard theirs to the end. But what happens when those relationships fall apart? Many times this is the most devastating loss that one can experience. It almost can be compared to a death. Certain places, and times are day are all of a sudden off limits. The ghosts of friendships past seem to haunt you.


Having come into contact with this myself I find the best comfort in reflection. Where did it go wrong? Was it toxic from beginning? What was my part? Their part? So many questions to ask and no one to answer but myself. The best thing that I can offer is that you need to move on. If the friendship lasted a while then you have more than enough ammo against the other person but hold tight before you pull the trigger. Hurting someone else out of retaliation of them hurting you is only going to drag this out and make it more painful than it already is. If you are truly done with the friendship then there are some steps that you need to take. First and foremost block all social media outlets. That means unfollowing from Twitter, Unfriending from Facebook, and deleting numbers out of your phone. When you are able to completely pull back you are able to get a better grasp on the situation. If you happen to run into them in public you can be cordial if you like or simply ignore it. A failed friendship doesn't define you, and it shouldn't set the tone for your future connections. Remember that you are worthy, and you have a lot to offer. One bad apple doesn't spoil the whole bunch.

Love on a Budget

Clink! Clink! If that sounds resembles the pennies in your bank account then chances are love have taken a backseat in your life. This can be equally frustrating if you are in a relationship. Money matters can wreak havoc on a relationship. Couples will find themselves taking out financial frustrations on each other, which is an instant killer for your emotional connection as well as your libido. Here are some quick an easy ways to take your mind off your wallet and back on each other.

1. Rethink Your Version Of Date Night

One way to get closer is to erase your old ideas of date night, find out how much you are really spending. Going out to dinner, the movies, or drinks at your favorite bar can easily zap your wallet. A typical date night can easily have you shelling out upwards of 100 bucks! Instead of becoming a hermit crab you need to focus on what will give you the most quality time with your mate rather than focus on what you are doing. Sites such as Livingsocial.com and Groupon .com offer amazing dates for up to 75% off! So break out of your Saturday night rut and try some new things, you may even just like it!

2. Unplug

Hey you know that electronic device that is permanently attached to your hand? Well it’s killing your relationship! I know it’s easy to become completely detatched when you have Facebook stats to update, Tweets to respond to, and hundreds of people to text, but being completely plugged in can leave your sweetie feeling neglected. One way to mix it up is for you and your honey to completely unplug. Make the bedroom a no cellphone, laptop, or iPad zone. Get back to the basics and rediscover what made you connect in the first place. It may be a little awkward at first but keep talking; you may find yourself making a deeper connection than you ever thought possible. Hey if all else fails you can always burn up the sheets, that requires no talking at all.

3. Get Back in Touch with Your Single Self

When you are in a relationship over time you stop thinking “I” and are rewired to think about “we”. Couples tend to think of their needs as a unit and tend to forget about individual needs. Remember you? Remember when you used to take a day for yourself whether it was getting lost in a bookstore with a latte or spending an entire lazy Sunday watching True Blood from season 1? Well it’s time to get back to what makes you happy. Take some time out for yourself. Spending some time away from your sweetie can have a recharging effect and make you a better partner.

Bottom Line: Dating is hard, and keeping a fulfilling relationship afloat is even harder. It’s very easy to let outside influences come in and having you second guessing your commitments. However if you remain in touch with your and your partner’s needs while changing with the times there is nothing that can tear you apart.

One Small Step

If you are like me you spent most of your life following the rule.  Make good grades, participate in activities, go to college and become a contributing citizen to the world.  What no one tells you is that the last part of the dream is not guaranteed.  I went to high school, graduated with honors, moved on and went to college and majored in psychology thinking that is would give me the keys to the world but here I am , keyless, clueless, and just trying to find my way.  Now a days I work for a local cable company and barely have enough money to pay the bills or have any energy to do things in my personal life.  Up until a few days ago I was just stagnant, a lifeless body of water that was doomed to just stand still or dry up completely.
  
So whats a girl to do?  What really are my options? I cant sing, I have no desire to go on a reality show.  What do I have to work with? Whats sets me apart from an other of the billions of people on this planet that are all striving for the same thing? I don't have the answers to that , but putting my thoughts out there is one small step